From the Pacific Standard, MARIA STRESHINSKY, March/April, 2015
And for the past century, our policymakers have responded to the challenge of managing public drug use in a manner that is, alas, riddled with contradictions: We have enforced strict bans on some intoxicants (cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana) and allowed the legal sale of other addictive substances (nicotine, alcohol, caffeine). Some legal substances are quite dangerous to public health; some illegal ones appear safe by comparison. Along the way, the United States has spent more than a trillion dollars enforcing anti-drug laws, and has imprisoned millions of people.
For more click here.
Editor's note:
While health care providers are increasingly held to "evidence based practices" and/or "scientific based practices" unfortunately, politicians, policy makers, and the public are not held to the same standards. Is it time that they were?
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Mindfulness meditation practices help with insomnia
Mindfulness meditation practices resulted in improved sleep quality for older adults with moderate sleep disturbance in a clinical trial comparing meditation to a more structured program focusing on changing poor sleep habits and establishing a bedtime routine, according to an article published online by JAMA Internal Medicine.
...
In a related commentary, Adam P. Spira, Ph.D., of the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, Baltimore, writes: "As the authors explain, effective nonpharmacological interventions that are both 'scalable' and 'community accessible' are needed to improve disturbed sleep and prevent clinical levels of insomnia. This is imperative given links between insomnia and poor health outcomes, risks of sleep medication use and the limited availability of health care professionals trained in effective nondrug treatments such as behavior therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia. This context makes the positive results of this RCT [randomized clinical trial] compelling."
For more information click here.
A Psychological Model of Forgiveness
The Psychology of Forgiveness
Introduction
As mentioned in the previous introduction to the essay on
spiritual forgiveness I work with two models of forgiveness: the spiritual
model and the psychological. This psychological is based on a systems
conceptualization of restoration of equity, fairness, in a relationship.
Restoration of fairness does not necessarily mean reconciliation but it does
mean the reparation of the harm that was done and a restoration of “right
relationship.”
These two models can, of course be used together as there
is much overlap although spiritual forgiveness can be done I believe without
psychological forgiveness although psychological forgiveness may make spiritual
forgiveness easier.
In psychology there is the idea
that forgiveness should be done for the benefit of the forgiver not necessarily
for the benefit of the forgiven. Research shows that harboring grudges,
resentments, bitterness is bad for one’s physical and emotional health. To
forgive, to let go, frees one physically, mentally, and emotionally from the
servitude of nursing past injustices, and liberates one to move ahead freely
into the future.
At a spiritual level also, masters such as Jesus taught us that to forgive is divine. To rise above injustices on the earth plane allows one to focus on the big picture, the transcendent, and to realize that injustices are petty and insignificant in the long run. “It all comes out in the wash” as they say. As Richard Carlson says, “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.” To rise above injustices is to see them in context. To understand the context, the circumstances and false thinking that lead to the transgression in the first place contributes to an awareness that helps us make sense of the injustice so that we can take it less personally. So often it’s not that people are unwilling of doing the right thing, of treating us better, they are incapable; they are just incompetent. There is a difference between being unwilling and being incapable given who the person is, how he/she is wired, where they are coming from. Most injustice, requiring forgiveness, is born out of a lack of awareness, and being stuck in the person’s egotistic thoughts, desires, and motives, they do stupid things. Stupidity does not require punishment as much as education, enlightenment. And so forgiveness, as an interpersonal skill and strategy for spiritual growth, requires four steps.
The first step of forgiveness requires that the forgiver has the right and opportunity to have his/her say about what he/she believes the injustice is. Everybody deserves his/her day in court, for the record if not in person. Even after the offender has died, the forgiver still deserves the opportunity to have his/her say about what the injustice is. If the offender is sincere about reconciling, the offender needs to give the forgiver a hearing, to allow the forgiver to name the injustice and how it has affected him/her. So often the offender doesn’t want to hear how the forgiver thinks and feels about the situation, of what the forgiver perceives as unfair and unjust. The offender might say, “Get out of here! I’m not listening to your nonsense!” Having a hearing, getting your day in court, for the record if not in person, is the first step in the forgiveness process.
The second step is getting an explanation. The forgiver has a right to hear what the circumstances were that contributed to the injustice occurring. This takes time. It takes digging which may take some time to understand, in any comprehensiveness, what the myriad of factors were that contributed to the injustice occurring. The explanation is not a justification, or a rationalization, an excuse, or cop-out. The explanation is an honest, and sincere attempt to examine the unfair situation, to understand how it occurred so that it never happens again, and that something of value can be learned from a hurtful situation. Hopefully, we “live and learn” as they say. If we don’t learn from mistakes and injustices we are doomed to repeat them.
The third step is a genuine apology. There is a difference between a band-aid apology and a sincere apology. A band-aid apology is placating to get the offender off the hook, but a sincere apology follows from the first two steps: having heard what the injustice is and what how the victim thinks and feels about it, and to have examined the circumstances that contributed to the offense, the offender can say, genuinely, “I’m sorry. I had no idea the extent of the harm of my actions.” Most victims want an apology. An apology sometimes, but not always, brings about a healing, a restoration of a sense of equity which leads to a sense of peace.
The fourth step is the making of amends. If the offender is genuinely sorry and has apologized, there is a natural desire to want to make amends, to repair the harm. This making of amends, in many situations has to be very creative, because the injustice is water under the bridge, nothing can be done to put things back to where they were before the offense, and yet there is a need to redeem oneself by repairing the harm. How the harm is repaired needs to be negotiated by both the forgiver and the forgiven. In the instance where the offender is dead or unwilling, Life has a way of making amends to the victim. If he/she can acknowledge that blessings have repaired the harm, the victim can move forward feeling whole.
These steps can take minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, and even decades. We cannot live in our imperfect world and not be victimized, not to feel the sting of injustice and unfairness. Injustice is natural. It is an everyday human experience. Injustice will continue as long as humans are unenlightened and unaware, and yet injustice is not the problem; how we handle the injustice can be the problem as we either benefit or further compound the problem. Having our say, our day in court, understanding the circumstances that contributed to the injustice, obtaining a genuine apology, and the making of amends is a four step model for bringing about a greater sense of equity, justice, and compassion in our human relations and in the whole world.
At a spiritual level also, masters such as Jesus taught us that to forgive is divine. To rise above injustices on the earth plane allows one to focus on the big picture, the transcendent, and to realize that injustices are petty and insignificant in the long run. “It all comes out in the wash” as they say. As Richard Carlson says, “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.” To rise above injustices is to see them in context. To understand the context, the circumstances and false thinking that lead to the transgression in the first place contributes to an awareness that helps us make sense of the injustice so that we can take it less personally. So often it’s not that people are unwilling of doing the right thing, of treating us better, they are incapable; they are just incompetent. There is a difference between being unwilling and being incapable given who the person is, how he/she is wired, where they are coming from. Most injustice, requiring forgiveness, is born out of a lack of awareness, and being stuck in the person’s egotistic thoughts, desires, and motives, they do stupid things. Stupidity does not require punishment as much as education, enlightenment. And so forgiveness, as an interpersonal skill and strategy for spiritual growth, requires four steps.
The first step of forgiveness requires that the forgiver has the right and opportunity to have his/her say about what he/she believes the injustice is. Everybody deserves his/her day in court, for the record if not in person. Even after the offender has died, the forgiver still deserves the opportunity to have his/her say about what the injustice is. If the offender is sincere about reconciling, the offender needs to give the forgiver a hearing, to allow the forgiver to name the injustice and how it has affected him/her. So often the offender doesn’t want to hear how the forgiver thinks and feels about the situation, of what the forgiver perceives as unfair and unjust. The offender might say, “Get out of here! I’m not listening to your nonsense!” Having a hearing, getting your day in court, for the record if not in person, is the first step in the forgiveness process.
The second step is getting an explanation. The forgiver has a right to hear what the circumstances were that contributed to the injustice occurring. This takes time. It takes digging which may take some time to understand, in any comprehensiveness, what the myriad of factors were that contributed to the injustice occurring. The explanation is not a justification, or a rationalization, an excuse, or cop-out. The explanation is an honest, and sincere attempt to examine the unfair situation, to understand how it occurred so that it never happens again, and that something of value can be learned from a hurtful situation. Hopefully, we “live and learn” as they say. If we don’t learn from mistakes and injustices we are doomed to repeat them.
The third step is a genuine apology. There is a difference between a band-aid apology and a sincere apology. A band-aid apology is placating to get the offender off the hook, but a sincere apology follows from the first two steps: having heard what the injustice is and what how the victim thinks and feels about it, and to have examined the circumstances that contributed to the offense, the offender can say, genuinely, “I’m sorry. I had no idea the extent of the harm of my actions.” Most victims want an apology. An apology sometimes, but not always, brings about a healing, a restoration of a sense of equity which leads to a sense of peace.
The fourth step is the making of amends. If the offender is genuinely sorry and has apologized, there is a natural desire to want to make amends, to repair the harm. This making of amends, in many situations has to be very creative, because the injustice is water under the bridge, nothing can be done to put things back to where they were before the offense, and yet there is a need to redeem oneself by repairing the harm. How the harm is repaired needs to be negotiated by both the forgiver and the forgiven. In the instance where the offender is dead or unwilling, Life has a way of making amends to the victim. If he/she can acknowledge that blessings have repaired the harm, the victim can move forward feeling whole.
These steps can take minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, and even decades. We cannot live in our imperfect world and not be victimized, not to feel the sting of injustice and unfairness. Injustice is natural. It is an everyday human experience. Injustice will continue as long as humans are unenlightened and unaware, and yet injustice is not the problem; how we handle the injustice can be the problem as we either benefit or further compound the problem. Having our say, our day in court, understanding the circumstances that contributed to the injustice, obtaining a genuine apology, and the making of amends is a four step model for bringing about a greater sense of equity, justice, and compassion in our human relations and in the whole world.
The mature soul knows what
really matters in life and how to act accordingly. This knowing and positive acting comes from experience
reflected upon and learned from. Forgiveness is one of the most important
spiritual activities which we can engage in. It is very good for our soul.
Questions for consideration and discussion
1. What do you think of the four steps
outlined? Can you give an example of a situation where you might have worked
through the four steps or got stuck?
2. What is the difference between a “genuine”
apology and a “band-aid” apology?
3. Have you ever had to get creative in making
amends because the harm is long gone, or water under the bridge, and what had
been done couldn’t be undone so some other way of compensating the victim
and/or repairing the harm had to be creatively implemented?
Spiritual forgiveness
Spiritual forgiveness
When the
other person gets a turn, the other person says the same thing. They both have
the misguided notion that the other has the power to make them happy. An
objective outsider, observing this dance of mutual recrimination, recognizes
that neither one of them can make the other happy. They can’t make themselves
happy, let alone take the responsibility for someone else’s happiness.
If one were
aware, they would understand that they don’t have the power to make other
people happy nor do other people have the power to make them happy. We, each,
have the responsibility for our own happiness. To project this responsibility
on anyone else is to give our power away and to deceive ourselves, barking up
the wrong tree as they say, preventing us from coming to an accurate understanding of how to
achieve true happiness.
It says in
the introduction to A Course In Miracles
“The Course does not aim at teaching the meaning of Love, for that is beyond
what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the
awareness of Love’s presence, which is our natural inheritance. The opposite of
love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite. The course can
therefore be summed up very simply in this way: Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
The course is not talking about romantic love, or
brotherly love, or altruistic love, or parental love, or aesthetic love, it is
referring to something much larger, more fundamental, some might say transcendental.
The course is referring to Divine Love, Grace, being one with everything. What
did the monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. The monk
handed the hot dog vendor $5.00 for the $2.00 hot dog and when the hot dog
vendor failed to give him his change, the monk complained, “Where is my
change?” The hot dog vendor said, “You, monk, should know more than anyone that
change comes from within.”
On the earth
plane we suffer under the illusion that “special relationships” will make us
happy. “Special relationships” are romantic relationships, parent/child
relationships, best friends. As we develop these relationships we expect them
to be permanent and we project all kinds of expectations and requirements onto
them, that if met and fulfilled, we believe, will make us happy. When our
expectations and requirements are not met we complain of betrayal,
disappointment, frustration, discouragement that leads to resentments,
recriminations, grievances, that can becomes so severe that they culminate, in
the extreme, in homicide and suicide.
The suffering experienced because of unfilled expectations at a spiritual level
is totally unnecessary and can be absolved if we can forgive ourselves and our
loved ones for sins and dysfunction which, at a spiritual level, never existed
anywhere but in our own insane minds.
As the
Rolling Stones sang several decades ago, “I don’t get no satisfaction” and “You
don’t always get what you want.” Rarely would we admit that our pain and
suffering is self generated by our own conditions which we put on our efforts
to love another. We don’t say it, but we think it. “I’ll love you if…….” This,
of course, is conditional love. We pay lip service to unconditional love but it
is rare in our own behavioral repertoire, and few people are mature enough to
actually practice it, if we are honest enough to admit it.
When our
conditions, meaning our expectations and requirements, are not met we first
become afraid that we won’t get what we want, and then we become angry and frustrated,
and then we become discouraged and depressed. In psychotherapy we say “You can
either be mad or be sad.” It usually hurts a little less if we are angry, and
when we deal with our fear of loss with anger we look for someone or something
to attack with blame, accusations, and sometimes mental, emotional, and
physical abuse. When we act out our feelings of anger and sadness we often
think of ourselves as a victim while we also are being a perpetrator.
Often times
in counseling when our conversation turns to the observation that the client is
powerless to get their partner to love them the way they want to be loved I
will ask, “Do you think your partner is unwilling or incapable of loving you
the way you want to be loved?” Often times, the question is met with confusion
and puzzlement, and rarely can the client clearly and immediately answer. This
view of the relationship and situation has never been raised before, and the
client may ask, “What do you mean?”
I will say,
“Well considering the person’s personality traits, the way they are
neurologically wired, the way they were raised with certain values, beliefs,
opinions, and practices, do you think the person is capable of loving you the
way you want to be loved? Maybe they are just incompetent. It’s not that they
are unwilling, and holding out on you, but they can’t.” It is frustrating to
expect and require things from people that they are incapable of. While
somewhat degrading I will ask them if they ever heard the joke about the farmer
who tried to teach his pig to sing? When they say “no”, I say, “Frustrated the
hell out of the farmer and annoyed the hell out of the pig.” I quickly will
say, “I am not saying that your partner is a pig, but you are acting like a
farmer who is trying to teach a person to do something that they are incapable
of doing.”
It is at this
moment of awareness that the person is incapable, not unwilling, that we come
to the realization that we need to forgive ourselves for having inappropriate
expectations for gratification from a “special relationship” that are not going
to be met through no fault of the person we are expecting the gratification
from. We come to understand that “special relationships” based on expectations
and requirements for our satisfaction will eventually make us unhappy.
One of my
best professors in my graduate Master’s In Social Work program used to tell us
that we have to “take the client where they’re at, not where we want them to
be, or think they should be, or ought to be, we have to take the client where
they’re at.” When we can take people where they’re at we can begin to love them
unconditionally and we experience peace and love ourselves.
So often what
we call love is really egotistical attempts to decrease our fears of
loneliness, isolation, and death. Unconditional love, on the other hand, begins
with first loving our self and then extending our sense of well being and
gratitude to others for our awareness of Love’s presence in our lives. If we
want Love in our life we have to be more loving, loving unconditionally without
expecting or requiring anything in return. When we do this we should have fun
doing it which adds abundant grace to our lives and great peace.
Unconditional
Love is not of this world. It does not reside on the ego plane. It is something
that seems strange and unattainable and yet it is present constantly often
outside our awareness blocked by the nonsense and illusions which we create and
project onto our lives and relationships. Our egotistical desires, intentions,
and thoughts often get in the way and block our awareness of Love’s presence
like clouds blocking our sight of the sun. When we see glimmers of the sunlight
of Love we become aware of being a part of ever widening and more encompassing
systems of being, an interconnectedness with life we hadn’t been aware of so
much previously. This growing awareness leads us to enlightenment.
So often my
clients who are frustrated and discouraged say to me, “I just don’t
understand!” And I quietly say, “Yes, you do. I think you understand it very
well. You just don’t want to accept it. As the Buddhists say, ‘It is what it
is’. You need to forgive yourself for your expectations and requirements, and
your partner for their failure to meet them. You need to recognize the torture
you put yourself and your partner through because of the conditions you project
that are not getting met. Forgiveness, in this case, means recognition,
acceptance, and rising above the situation.
Spiritual
forgiveness is “rising above” the ego plane and letting the projected illusions
go. Drop the conditions projected by your expectations and requirements. As the
spiritual masters have counseled in all faith traditions for centuries, let go
of your attachments. As they say in Alcoholic Anonymous, “My life is unmanageable.
I need to turn my life over to my Higher Power. Let go and let God. You do your
best and the universe will do the best.”
Wayne Dyer,
the psychologist, perhaps said it best when he said, “Forgiveness is really
just correcting our own misperceptions.” The purpose of other people is not for
them to meet our expectations. The purpose of other people is for us to learn
how to forgive ourselves our juvenile resentments and to love unconditionally.
Humanity will have arrived when everyone loves everyone all the time. The path
to this kind of love is forgiveness and the recognition that what I do unto
another I do unto myself.
Discussion guide:
Describe a time when have you been afraid, angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad when someone let you down? How were you able to take care of yourself in spite of the distress?
Describe a time when you were so upset about a relationship that you thought of killing yourself or someone else. Perhaps, simply, you thought that life was not worth living. How did you manage these feelings and get yourself out of this situation?
What role, if any, has your faith played in your managing the above situations?
What else has helped you manage these situations?
What has been your experience with forgiveness? What did you learn as a child about forgiveness from your family, church, friends?
If you are a parent what have your taught your children about how to do forgiveness?
Have you ever been in a relationship where the other person has to be right about everything and will never or rarely say they are sorry? What do you think about these kinds of relationships in terms of what causes this dynamic and how it should be handled?
Do you believe in a God that loves you unconditionally or do you believe in a God of judgment who will punish you for what you think are your sins? Where does this belief in a punishing God comes from?
Do you hope that God or fate punishes some people in your life or in the world for the bad things you think they have done? If yes, who are the people and what have they done that deserves punishment? Do you think they could ever be forgiven?
Who do you need to forgive for what? What will it take for you to do it?
What do you need to forgive yourself for? What will it take for you to do it?
Describe a time when have you been afraid, angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad when someone let you down? How were you able to take care of yourself in spite of the distress?
Describe a time when you were so upset about a relationship that you thought of killing yourself or someone else. Perhaps, simply, you thought that life was not worth living. How did you manage these feelings and get yourself out of this situation?
What role, if any, has your faith played in your managing the above situations?
What else has helped you manage these situations?
What has been your experience with forgiveness? What did you learn as a child about forgiveness from your family, church, friends?
If you are a parent what have your taught your children about how to do forgiveness?
Have you ever been in a relationship where the other person has to be right about everything and will never or rarely say they are sorry? What do you think about these kinds of relationships in terms of what causes this dynamic and how it should be handled?
Do you believe in a God that loves you unconditionally or do you believe in a God of judgment who will punish you for what you think are your sins? Where does this belief in a punishing God comes from?
Do you hope that God or fate punishes some people in your life or in the world for the bad things you think they have done? If yes, who are the people and what have they done that deserves punishment? Do you think they could ever be forgiven?
Who do you need to forgive for what? What will it take for you to do it?
What do you need to forgive yourself for? What will it take for you to do it?
Friday, June 30, 2017
What Kind Of Therapy Is Best For Me?
What kind of therapy is best for me?
By David G. Markham, L.C.S.W.
Question:
I have been depressed and unhappy for many years, and have finally wondered whether psychotherapy can help me. I have done some reading and talked to friends and I know that there are psychoanalytically trained therapists and cognitive behavioral therapists, and people who do all kinds of therapy. I found a web site which said there are over 500 different kinds of psychotherapy. I even wonder if hypnosis would help me? How can I choose what kind of therapy would be best for me?
Answer:
You have asked an excellent question and one which many people find perplexing. There are many ways I could answer your question. Let's start with the practical approach first.
I think the best way to find a therapist is to ask friends, relatives, your doctor or pastor if they know of a good therapist. I think the best way to find a therapist is the same way to find any professional, by asking other satisfied clients.
A more conceptual way of answering your question would be to share a little bit about the therapy field. There are many schools of therapy which have their own training programs and credentialing standards. These programs "certify" the competence of the practitioners in their method. The fact is that competence does not equal effectiveness. In other words, a practitioner can be very competent and heavily credentialed but still not help the client achieve any better outcomes than someone less well trained. This seems to be a puzzle in the field. Often psychotherapy training programs and institutes claim that their credentialing standards exist to protect clients. Interestingly, there is no evidence that any particular model or technique gets better results than others when scientifically evaluated.
When researchers examine the outcome in psychotherapy they find that the variables which contribute to good outcome are as follows: extra-therapeutic factors 40%, relationship factors 30%, hope and expectancy 15%, model and technique of the therapist 15%
Extra-therapeutic factors include things like persistence, openness, faith, optimism, supportive family, membership in a religious community, satisfying work, good friends, enjoyable hobbies, and all the other positive things in a client's life before they enter therapy.
Relationship factors include feeling understood by the therapist, having trust and confidence in the therapeutic relationship, feeling cared about, etc.
Hope and expectancy sometimes has been referred to as the placebo effect, that is, does the client believe that therapy can help? The more the client believes that therapy can help, the more likely it is that it will.
The model and technique of the therapist only accounts for 15% of the outcome, while the other three factors account for 85% of the likelihood of a positive outcome.
So, to answer your question about how to choose a therapist, I think it is important to find a therapist whom you feel understood by, whom you come to feel you can trust and put your confidence in. A couple of visits should be enough to make this determination. If you have met with a therapist two or three times and still don't feel understood by that person, or feel you can trust and put your confidence in that person, it is not that psychotherapy can't help, it is just that you have a bad match and you should save your time and money and try again with someone else.
The outcome research is very clear that psychotherapy does help and that the majority of people who use psychotherapy report improvement in as few as 4 sessions.
The overall length of therapy depends on the client’s goals and purposes. In a crisis, most clients find things improving in 4 to 8 sessions. For other problems and concerns, clients may want to continue in therapy for several months. It usually isn’t necessary to meet with the therapist weekly after the initial phase of therapy (the first 3 or 4 visits) and clients may want to meet with the therapist every other week or every three weeks, or once per month. Sometimes people want to see how things go for a period of time and return on an as needed basis.
Usually within a month or two, most clients find that they are managing things more effectively in their lives, and they are feeling better.
Reference ; The Heroic Client, Barry Duncan and Scott Miller, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000, pp.56-61
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Approval can be like a drug
Approval can be like a drug.
By David G. Markham, L. C.S.W. _ R.
I went to church yesterday and the priest said in his homily that approval is like a drug.
I started thinking that he's right. Approval makes people high. Some people will do anything for it. I have known people who have cheated, lied, stole, killed, screwed, taken drugs just to make others happy so they can get their approval.
What is it that makes some people crave approval?
Low self esteem? Insecurity? Low self confidence?
Some people need to be loved by others because they don't love themselves, and because they don't love themselves they don't believe that anyone else could really love them either, and because nobody else seems to love them, they don't love themselves. Dog chasing its tail. Vicious circle.
Advertisers know how to play on this lack of love and craving for approval. That's how they sell their products. They tell us that if we wear these clothes, and use this perfume, and drive their car, then other people will approve of us and we will be happy.
My son worked with some guys who robbed the Olive Garden at 2:00 AM when they were closing. Got away with $258.00 to be split three ways for hip hop clothes for the rapper's concert coming up on Saturday night. Got caught. Got three to five in State prison.
I knew these kids' mother. She claims they didn't do it. My son says the guys were bragging about it looking for approval.
Preacher's right. Approval is just like a drug.
Some people will do anything for it. Even ruin their lives.
How to kick the habit?
When you quit, you go through withdrawal. You get depressed. You get anxious. You get paranoid thinking people are saying nasty things about you.
When you start being yourself and saying "No" to people, they start to wonder what's gotten into you. They will say that you are being bad, or that you are crazy, or that you are being disloyal and not wanting to fit in with the group any more.
You start finding new friends and new things to do. You start to realize that you are looking for satisfaction and fulfillment from using your talents and abilities in ways that you enjoy, and that you find following your interests rewarding. If people approve, that's great. If they don't, you still had a good time.
Having a mind of your own feels good. Standing on your own two feet feels solid. Counting for something which is important to you, gives you confidence.
Kick the habit, and be yourself. Take yourself out to dinner and see how you enjoy the company. Wherever you go, that's where you'll be, and you won't need the approval drug.
Remember the bumper sticker that says "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
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