Lack of proximity is a barrier and obstacle to maintaining friendship.

Were friendships always so fragile? I suspect not. But we now live in an era of radical individual freedoms. All of us may begin at the same starting line as young adults, but as soon as the gun goes off, we’re all running in different directions; there’s little synchrony to our lives.

  “It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart,” by Jennifer Senior, Atlantic, March, 2022

The factor influencing friendships that has changed dramatically over the last 100 years has been geographical mobility. Carole King’s song, “So Far Away” plaintively expresses the problem when she sings, “People don’t stay in one place any more.”

People are no longer constrained by physical proximity and so they can go off from their geographical orbit and explore other places and relationships. Even in the same room people are exploring virtual spaces and relationships. These opportunities and capabilities require that people be much more intentional in their engagement and maintenance of friendships.

To what extent do people invest intentional effort into being a friend and maintaining the relationship especially when there are barriers and obstacles to its maintenance? Is the effort worth it? The research seems to indicate that it is for the improvement of mental health and spiritual growth.

We lose half our social network in 7 years.

In 2009, the Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst published an attention-grabber of a study that basically showed we replace half of our social network over the course of seven years, a reality we both do and don’t intuit.

  “It’s Your Friends Who Break Your Heart,” by Jennifer Senior, Atlantic, March, 2022

Studies repeatedly demonstrate that social connections are a key factor in mental health, and yet studies also show that loneliness is a major problem especially as people get older. Therefore, this is the first in a thread of articles on friendship that are tagged friendship.

In Jennifer Senior’s article in the Atlantic in March of 2022 just as the quarantine and social distancing required to mitigate the spread of the Covid virus were starting to diminish, she points to Gerald Mollenhorst’s study which showed that half of our social network is replaced over a seven year period. There are many factors that influence this dynamic such as geographical relocation, divorce, and death.

Another factor which is huge is changes in the family life cycle. Children are born, raised, and separate from their families of origin. The “empty nest” is not only about the loss of the child but the parents of their childrens’ friends. The time and energy spent in facilitating children's involvement in social activities is no longer required or desired and so the social fabric of the parent diminishes and loneliness and ennui set in.

In their 50s and 60s an intentional effort is often necessary to cultivate and maintain a new social network that has some purpose and meaning. The old social institutions such as church, and community organizations no longer serve this purpose in the digital age where more time and energy is spent in digital and virtual reality than in personal connection.

How has this dynamic manifested in your life or the lives of people you have observed?

The parts of ourself that we hide

 

There are parts of our selves that we hide because we are ashamed, we are fearful of exposure, and we are guilty and desire to avoid accountability. These motivations lead to estrangement not only from others but from our ego self which we put forward for other people to see. After a while we forget about the parts of ourselves which we have disowned but they have a way of leaking out from time to time much to our chagrin and horror.

Music therapy - You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

 

In my psychotherapy sessions this is a common scenario:

Client describes the situation sometimes for 10, 15, 20 minutes.

I say, "What do you make of that?"

They say, "I don't know."

I say, "I know you don't think you know, because you have come here to talk about it to try to sort it out, but I think you do know."

There is a pause and then they tell me.

I think to myself, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

 For Subterranean Homesick Blues by Bob Dylan Click here.

Childrens' exposure to domestic violence increases liklihood of depression, anxiety, and substance misuse disorders as adults.

Did you know that children exposed to chronic domestic abuse between their parents even if not the target themselves have an increased chance of depression, anxiety,  and substance misuse later in their adult lives?

For more click here.

Talking to strangers

 Many studies show that talking to strangers is good for mental health and well being. Talking to strangers provides a sense of connection with others which is a skill in spiritual intelligence.

Self-determination theory

 

In psychotherapy self determination theory is an underlying understanding of what makes people tick. It helps the therapist and the client to understand what motivates the clients to engage in psychotherapy. Often the initial motivating factors are extrinsic, but as the client becomes engaged in the process hopefully the motivation becomes intrinsic.